I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. Use this quote
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. Use this quote
Sometimes I feel like there are people just waiting for me to fall. The funny thing is, I can't give them anything. I have just never been a partier, even in school. Use this quote
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Use this quote
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. Use this quote
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. Use this quote
People don't want to listen to a celebrity tweeting about their charities and shows. That's why comedy writers do well - we put out little funny ideas. Use this quote
It's funny about men and women. Men pay in cash to get them and pay in cash to get rid of them. Women pay emotionally coming and going. Neither has it easy. Use this quote
The parrot's so funny. He imitates me and I don't even realize he's doing it. I'm walking around the house talking to myself and whistling and the next day he's said something I've said... it's scary you know? Use this quote
Only bad golfers are lucky. They're the ones bouncing balls off trees, curbs, turtles and cars. Good golfers have bad luck. When you hit the ball straight, a funny bounce is bound to be unlucky. Use this quote
I've never set out to write a funny movie or be a funny comedian as a woman. I am a woman. I don't really have a choice in the matter. My goal is just to be funny. Use this quote
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Use this quote
If you are a great dramatic actor then you often don't know if people are enjoying your stuff at all because they are sitting there in silence. But with comedy it's a simple premise. If it's funny, people laugh. If it's not, they don't. Use this quote
It's sort of an action flick. You can't be that funny trying to steal diamonds. Use this quote
I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet. Use this quote
You have to understand the tone of the movie, because if it's supposed to be funny, it can be funny violent like the Home Alone stuff, but you have to really understand the tone of what you're doing and make the action work for that and for the character. Use this quote
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun. Use this quote
I can do comedy, so people want me to do that, but the other side of comedy is depression. Deep, deep depression is the flip side of comedy. Casting agents don't realize it but in order to be funny you have to have that other side. Use this quote
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. Use this quote
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. Use this quote
