My life needs editing. Use this quote
It's funny to be a critic. Use this quote
We all know funny people who can't get it down on the page - even funny writers who can't get it down on the page. Use this quote
It's funny, after a while, you get tired of having to fight someone because they don't like the way you look. Use this quote
I'm terrible at practical jokes. I do them too well, so they're not funny. I end up saying, 'Oh, no, I'm joking, I'm joking.' Use this quote
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Use this quote
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. Use this quote
It's funny; as I get older I'm reverting to my roots - I want to plant stuff. Use this quote
Life is funny and it is interesting how we make it as serious as possible. Use this quote
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. Use this quote
When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny. Use this quote
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. Use this quote
TV is chewing gum for the eyes. Use this quote
I don't think the public is dying to see me necessarily be funny all the time. Use this quote
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. Use this quote
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? Use this quote
Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish. Use this quote
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Use this quote
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. Use this quote
I wasn't even 20 at the time, but it taught me something about drugs. They can take a good man, a warm, funny, loving family man, and turn him into a loser and worse. Use this quote
